


Krampus is Coming to Town

by Princess_Shireen



Category: South Park
Genre: Cartman Gets Beat Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-15
Updated: 2018-12-15
Packaged: 2019-09-18 14:05:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16996416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Princess_Shireen/pseuds/Princess_Shireen
Summary: Cartman is excited for Christmas, much like his friends. But a certain sidekick for Santa has something in store for the 4th grader. Also posted on FF.net, under penname Hokuto Uchiha. Rated T for, well, South Park language.





	Krampus is Coming to Town

_December 22, 2018_

It was 2 days until Christmas Eve in the small town of South Park. Everybody was doing some last-minute gift shopping and dinner preparations, and getting ready to visit friends and family. One group of boys in particular was looking forward to the holiday, specifically looking forward to getting presents, as some children do.

Eric Cartman, Stan Marsh, Kyle Broflovski, and Kenny McCormick were standing on a street corner, just talking.

"Sweet!" Kyle said happily, a grin spreading across his face. "Only two more days until Christmas Eve!"

"What're _you_ so happy about, Kyle?" Cartman asked mockingly. "Your lame family doesn't even celebrate Christmas; you're all a bunch of dumb Jews."

"Shut up, Cartman!" Kyle shouted at the anti-Semitic 4th-grader.

"Yeah, shut up, Fatass!" Stan agreed with his best friend. "Everybody gets presents on Christmas."

"Except for Kyle and Kenny," said Cartman. "Kenny's family's hella poor! And Kyle's a Jew, and Santa doesn't give presents to Jews."

"Shut the hell up!" Kyle and Kenny exclaimed, glaring at Cartman. Just as the boys were about to continue their argument, they spotted a blond boy their age, who was wearing a light blue jacket, walking by.

"Hold on; Butters will settle this," Cartman said. He called the blue-clad boy over. "Butters! Get over here!"

The boy, Butters, scampered up to the quartet and cheerfully greeted them. "Hey, fellas!"

"Butters, tell these dumbasses that poor people and Jews don't get Christmas presents," Cartman barked, pointing rudely at Stan, Kyle and Kenny.

"Actually, Eric, they do," Butters explained.

"Ha!" Kyle laughed in Cartman's face.

"What?!" Cartman said.

"Santa doesn't discriminate against anybody," Butters continued. "All he cares about is whether people have been naughty or nice." After a moment's pause, he addressed Cartman. "If I were _you_ , Eric, I'd worry about Krampus."

"Krampus?" Stan said.

"Who the hell is that?" Cartman asked.

"Krampus is the anti-Santa," Butters replied. "He goes after the naughty kids and beats them up!" Stan, Kyle and Kenny's eyes widened in surprise.

"That's ridiculous!" Cartman said and started cackling.

"Oh, it's not ridiculous," Butters said warningly. "Krampus is real!"

"If he's real, then why haven't we seen him?" Stan asked.

"Well, he hasn't had jurisdiction in this country until recently," said Butters. "In the past, he's mostly been in Germany, Austria and Switzerland. But there's a rumor going around that this year, he's allowed to come here now. All the naughty kids here are gonna get their butts kicked."

"So, Cartman's screwed?" Kyle asked, looking at a still laughing Cartman.

"Ooh, yeah," a now grinning Butters replied, his gaze trained on Cartman as well.

Cartman stopped laughing as soon as he saw the other four boys staring at him. "What?"

"Well, Fatass, you're screwed," Stan said. Kenny laughed in agreement.

"Yeah, Eric," Butters said darkly. "Be careful, 'cause Krampus'll come and give you the ass-kicking of a thousand lifetimes! Mwahahahaha!" Then he reverted back to his usual cheery self. "Well, fellas, I've gotta go. Merry Christmas! Good luck, Eric!" He waved at the boys and skipped off.

As the boys watched Butters leave, Kyle said, "Butters can be pretty dark sometimes." Stan and Kenny nodded in agreement.

"Well, let's go," said Stan. The other boys followed him to the park.

"Hope you're ready for Krampus to kick your ass, Cartman," Kyle said.

"Hey!" Cartman shouted and stamped his feet, then pointed at Kyle. "I am _not_ getting an ass-kicking from _anybody_!"

"Better not let Krampus hear you say that," said Stan.

"Yeah!" Kenny agreed.

"Now look here!" said Cartman. "Krampus isn't gonna kick my ass, because _there is no fucking Krampus_! Screw you, guys, I'm going home!" He angrily stomped away from the park, leaving his friends to stare after him and roll their eyes.

"He's getting his ass kicked," said Stan.

"Yeah," Kyle agreed. "Hey! You guys wanna go ice skating?"

"Yeah!" Stan and Kenny said in unison.

* * *

 

_December 24, 2018_

At the Cartman residence, Liane was putting Cartman to bed.

"Now get some sleep, Poopsykins," Liane said sweetly. "Oh, and don't try to catch Santa Claus in the act like you try to do every year."

"But Moooom, I wanna see my preseeents," Cartman whined and pounded his fists on his covers.

"And you will, tomorrow morning," said Liane. "But right now, you have to go to sleep like everybody else."

"But Moooom--" Cartman whined again.

"Eric, that's final," Liane said, this time a hint of firmness in her voice.

"But Moo--" Cartman started again.

"Don't be difficult, Eric!" Liane hissed.

"Okay," Cartman said and pulled his covers over him.

"That's better," Liane said gently and smiled. "Goodnight, Poopsykins."

"Goodnight, Mom," said Cartman. He closed his eyes, pretending to be asleep, and waited until he was sure his mom was asleep in her room. Then he opened his eyes, chuckled, and hopped out of bed, smiling like the Grinch. He rubbed his hands together and muttered, "Now, to see those presents. I've got a way to get a look at those presents without Mom knowing I did."

Cartman slowly opened his bedroom door and slowly crept down the hall, and downstairs. As soon as he reached the bottom of the stairs, he made a turn towards the Christmas tree, when he saw what looked like a guy with black fur, hooves where his feet should be, goat ears, and goat horns. He was leaning against the wall, his arms folded across his chest, a somewhat bored look on his face, as if he was waiting for someone.

"'Sup?" the goat man asked.

"Who the hell are you?" Cartman asked rudely.

"You're Eric Theodore Cartman?" the guy asked.

"Yeah," Cartman replied, still rudely. He pointed at the guy and asked, "Now who the hell are _you_?"

"Name's Krampus," the guy said. "I'm here to kick your ass."

"Oh, ha-ha!" Cartman said in response and rolled his eyes. "Did Butters put you up to this? Or Stan? Kyle? Kenny?"

"Actually, I got your name from Santa," Krampus replied. "Yours, and the names of a bunch of other assholes in this town." He pulled out a piece of paper and held it in front of Cartman. "And guess what? I'm on the C's. Tough break, kid."

"My name starts with an E," Cartman said. Krampus rolled his eyes.

"This list's organized by last names, idiot. And your last name starts with a C, and is near the top of the list."

"Oh, fuck!" Cartman exclaimed. "Wait a minute! You can't beat me up! I'll call the cops on you!"

"Uh, yeah," Krampus said. "I have magic, so I'll just keep myself hidden, and you'll look like a crazy person who made a fake 911 call."

"God dammit!" Cartman shouted and stomped his feet. Then he sighed and said, "Alright, let's just get this over with." As soon as Krampus readied himself to give Cartman a beating, Cartman pointed in another direction and said, "Hey! What's that?"

"Huh?" Krampus asked and looked behind him. When he turned back around, he saw that Cartman had run away, leaving the front door open. The goat man shook his head and commented, "I get at least one of these every year." He shrugged and got ready to chase Cartman. "Oh, well. At least it won't be boring." Krampus then dashed out the door after his target, making sure to close the front door behind him.

* * *

 

Cartman pedaled his Big Wheel through the streets of South Park, frantically looking for a place to hide. Finally, he stopped at the Broflovski's house and banged on the door. "Kyle!" he shouted desperately. "Kyle, answer the damn door! Kyle!"

"Good luck with that," a male voice said from behind Cartman. Cartman turned around, and, sure enough, Krampus was standing on Kyle's front lawn! "Odds are that kid's already asleep, like all the other kids here, hoping that Santa Claus will come down their chimneys." Cartman screamed and ran away, leaving his Big Wheel in Kyle's yard.

Krampus rolled his eyes and took off after Cartman. "Are we really gonna do this all night? He's only delaying the inevitable."

Cartman ran until he reached Father Maxi's house, then banged on the door, shouting that he was requesting sanctuary.

A very tired and irate Father Maxi opened the door. "Darn it, Eric Cartman, what are you doing at my house at this hour? You better have a good explanation as to why you're banging on my door in the middle of the night!"

"Father, I request sanctuary!" Cartman exclaimed.

"Sorry, Eric, I can't let you in without your mother's permission," Father Maxi replied.

"But Krampus is after me!" Cartman said.

Father Maxi jumped at Krampus' name and told Cartman he couldn't help him.

"But I requested sanctuary," said Cartman. "You're a priest, so you have to give me sanctuary!"

"Eric," Father Maxi said. "This is my house, not the church. Sanctuary doesn't really apply here. Also--and I can't stress this enough--I don't like you all that much."

"What?!" Cartman said as Father Maxi shut the door on him.

"You really thought bothering the poor guy would help you?" Krampus said after he caught up with Cartman. "Yeesh, how low are you willing to stoop?" He gave chase as Cartman once again ran away.

Cartman made his way to the old SoDoSoPa, near Kenny's address. Knowing Kenny and his family wouldn't let him in--and loathing the idea of staying with poor people--he ducked into a nearby broken building.

"Okay," Cartman said to himself. "As long as I stay put, he'll never find me in here."

"Guess again," said Krampus. Cartman screamed and ran out of the building.

* * *

 

Cartman arrived back at his house moments later, relieved that it looked like Krampus wasn't following him anymore. _'Maybe he finally gave up,'_ Cartman thought as he quietly opened the front door and tiptoed across the threshold. To his surprise and dismay, he found his mother sitting on the couch, talking to Krampus! And they were both drinking hot cocoa!

Liane turned to look at her son and smiled. "Oh, Poopsykins, we've been waiting for you. This nice man said he's a friend of yours." She got up off the couch, taking her and Krampus' empty mugs to the kitchen. "I'll just leave you two alone. Remember, Eric has to go back to bed in 10 minutes, okay?" She made her way upstairs.

"Sure, no problem," Krampus said.

"Wait, Mom, don't leave me here!" Cartman shouted as Krampus turned towards him, readying his fists. "Mooom!"

"Finally," Krampus said and advanced towards Cartman. "I was getting tired of chasing you, kid."

"Oh, shit!" Cartman exclaimed and tried to avoid Krampus' blows. He screamed curses at the goat man, and at his friends, as Krampus beat him up.

After Krampus gave Cartman a beating, he knocked the boy out with one punch, then used magic to transport him to bed. Before he left, he put coal in Cartman's stocking, and took one of Cartman's presents from under the tree.

* * *

 

The next morning, Cartman woke up, thinking he had the worst dream of his life. He tried convincing himself of that after seeing himself in the mirror, a boy with a black eye and bruises staring back at him. But when he went to check his stocking, he pulled out a lump of coal, and angrily screamed at the top of his lungs.

**Author's Note:**

> For this story, I decided to go with today's version of Krampus, who just beats naughty people up and leaves coal in their stockings. In many parts of Croatia, Krampus will even take a child's presents away if they're behaving badly.


End file.
